For the last little while I’ve been wrestling with what most would consider the toughest question of all time: Who’s better — the Vengaboys or Ace of Base?
Choosing between two of my favorite ’90s pop groups is a little like choosing which of my children I love most (I’ll save that one for another post.) But after doing a lot of soul searching, I think I’ve found my answer.
Let me break down the math.
Who’s got the better name?
When it comes to name recognition, Ace of Base clearly has the edge. Everyone knows The Sign and most people know All That She Wants. But when you bring up the Vengaboys, the first thing people say is, “Who?” After you mention the song from the Six Flags commercial (We Like to Party!), they will respond, “Oh, yeah. I hate that song.”
Ace of Base: 1 point
But the name Ace of Base itself is pretty lame. I know these Swedes are not native English speakers, but rhyming Ace with Base is only acceptable if they spelled it Bass AND they were a hip-hop group, which they are not.
Ace of Base: -1 point
The Vengaboys is not a great name either, especially since the lead singers are not boys at all. But these Dutch girls are hot and that counts for something.
Vengaboys: 1 point
Who’s got the better look?
Ace of Base’s leading ladies, sisters Linn and Jenny Berggren were pretty enough (their brother Jonas had a face like a catcher’s mitt, not that anyone was looking at him anyway) but they couldn’t hold a candle to the Vengaboys girls.
If you squint your eyes, you’ve got yourself a passable Scary Spice and Ginger Spice.
Vengaboys: 1 point
Now, did the really need the Vengaboys really need the sailor and the cowboy? I would say no.
Vengaboys: -1 point
However, I have to hand it to them for staying in character. In 2001, I went on a date in Utah with a Dutch girl a few days after she’d made it to town.
“How was your flight?” I asked.
“It was okay but, ugh, guess who I had to sit by? The Vengaboys.”
“Really?! Were they wearing their costumes?”
“Yes, that cowboy was wearing his stupid hat and his stupid chaps.”
Awesome.
Vengaboys: 1 point
Who’s got the better lyrics?
Neither of these bands wrote lyrics in their native tongue, so we have to cut them a bit of slack. And we even need to give the Dutchies some credit for getting right to the point:
Boom, boom, boom
I want you in my room
Let’s spend the night together
Together in my room
—Boom, Boom, Boom
Vengaboys: 1 point
But sometimes their pronunciation got in the way of their profound lyrics. I was living in Holland in 1999 and thus heard “We’re going to Ibiza” approximately 100 times a day. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who thought the lyrics were “Whoa/We’re going to eat to pizza.”
Who’s better at getting the party started?
There is literally no comparison here. All the Vengaboys do is party. They party so much they need their own Venga bus! And when they go to Ibiza, where they really party, they take Venga airlines. They’ve got party transportation locked down.
Vengaboys: 1 point
They party so hard that all these years later, their music still spurs spontaneous dance parties in the streets of Britain.
How a British high street should be! Vengaboys playing loud ✌️???? pic.twitter.com/RmqSZRTSkk
— Alex Duggan (@_AlexDuggan) June 6, 2017
Vengaboys: 1 point
Who’s got the better songs?
But, sadly, that’s it.
With Ace of Base, the hits just kept coming (until they reached six hits, and then they stopped entirely).
The Swedes earn a point for All That She Wants and another for The Sign being one of the best pop songs of all time (Despite Pitch Perfect trying to ruin it).
They get a point for Lucky Love, Beautiful Life, and Don’t Turn Around. And they get two points for their cover of Bananarama’s Cruel Summer. The original was pretty epic, especially when it served as the soundtrack of Daniel-san playing soccer with Ali-with-an-I in Karate Kid. The remixed cover was even better.
Ace of Base: 7 points
And the winner is…
It was a close one, but Ace of Base wins the crown. Though it’s the Vengaboys I turn to when I’m feeling blue, if I were trapped on a deserted island, I don’t think I’d want to listen to We’re Going to Ibiza on repeat. I’d need something a little more weighty like Don’t Turn Around to be my kiss-off song to the civilized world. And then, as I realize just how lonely I really was, I’d find comfort knowing that it truly is a cruel, cruel summer indeed.
